tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55128382008743049812024-03-08T04:44:32.618-08:00The Blurst of TimesJessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02231759795327185065noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5512838200874304981.post-49888651249603498862009-02-24T15:15:00.000-08:002009-02-24T16:15:35.292-08:00So it's come to this: Celebrity Anagrams!I'm laying off the palindromes for a while, but I still have the useless wordplay itch.<br />And so, inspired by The Simpsons ("...Jeremy's...iron...?") I give you these useless anagrams which, hopefully, in some way reflect the character of their source.<br /><br />Lou Reed: Dour eel (he's kind of a bitch, I hear)<br /><br />George Lucas: Glucose rage (he's disgustingly fat)<br /><br />Ben Kingsley: King...Bensley? Eh, I'm tired. I think I'm done with these too.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02231759795327185065noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5512838200874304981.post-20967525191824335272009-02-19T23:33:00.000-08:002009-02-19T23:46:10.072-08:00Stingy SharksA real scoop here:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/6270855.html">Shark Attacks Decline; could recession be a factor?</a><br /><br />Apparently attacks have plummeted from 71 in 2007 to 59 in 2008. And this intrepid reporter has extrapolated much from this 11 point dip. I know I'm misreading the article, but I like to think that the economic downturn has even rattled ocean creatures. Whales are slimming down. Jellyfish are learning second trades. Hopeless sea otters are committing suicide. And sharks, apparently, are taking fewer risks.<br /><br />I swear, not a month goes by that I don't get suckered into reading a totally pointless article about sharks. There's really not much news to report in the shark world--they haven't evolved in 500 million years. But I can't resist!Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02231759795327185065noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5512838200874304981.post-39151051939229691882009-02-11T18:57:00.000-08:002009-02-20T11:39:12.808-08:00Oregon or Bust<d><img src="http://thenewgamer.com/content/files/images/oregon_trail_1.gif" /><br /><br />Wagon directions to Portland, OR</d><div style="cursor: pointer;" class="dditd selected" id="dditd"><div><b>1,803 mi</b> – about <b>322 days 13 hours</b></div></div><div class="ddwpt" id="panel_ddw0"><table class="ddwpt_table"><tbody><tr><td class="ddptlnk"><img src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/icon_greenA.png" height="38" width="24" /></td><td class="ddw_addr"><div id="ddw_addr_area_0" class="value"><div id="sxaddr"><div dir="ltr" class="sa">Independence, MO</div></div></div></td></tr></tbody></table></div> <table class="ddr_steps" id="ddr_steps_0"><tbody><tr class="dirsegment firststep" id="step_0_0"><td class="num">1.</td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_0">Head <b>north</b> on <b>N Main St</b> toward <b>W Maple Ave</b></td><td class="cbicon"><img id="cbicon_0_0" src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/cb/camera_dr1.png" style="visibility: hidden;" height="14" width="17" /></td><td class="sdist"><div id="sxdist" class="nw">226 ft</div></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_1"><td class="num">2.</td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_1">Turn <b>left</b> at <b>W Maple Ave</b></td><td class="cbicon"><img id="cbicon_0_1" src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/cb/camera_dr1.png" style="visibility: hidden;" height="14" width="17" /></td><td class="sdist"><div id="sxdist" class="nw">0.8 mi</div></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_2"><td class="num">3.</td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_2">Short <b>rest</b>; Billy has <span style="font-weight: bold;">scarlet fever</span><b></b></td><td class="cbicon"><img id="cbicon_0_2" src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/cb/camera_dr1.png" style="visibility: hidden;" height="14" width="17" /></td><td class="sdist"><div id="sxdist" class="nw">0.o mi</div></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_3"><td class="num">4.</td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_3">Veer <b>right</b> into<span style="font-weight: bold;"> canyon</span><b></b></td><td class="cbicon"><img id="cbicon_0_3" src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/cb/camera_dr1.png" style="visibility: hidden;" height="14" width="17" /></td><td class="sdist"><div id="sxdist" class="nw">46 ft</div></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_4"><td class="num">5.</td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_4"><b><wbr></b> <div class="dirsegnote note_CONTINUE">Continue, straight ahead, through<span style="font-weight: bold;"> canyon</span></div></td><td class="cbicon"><img id="cbicon_0_4" src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/cb/camera_dr1.png" style="visibility: hidden;" height="14" width="17" /></td><td class="sdist"><div id="sxdist" class="nw">70 mi</div></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_5"><td class="num">6.</td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_5"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><b></b>Stop. Hunt. Shoot and kill 47 <span style="font-weight: bold;">buffalo</span>; 20 <span style="font-weight: bold;">deer</span>; 0 <span style="font-weight: bold;">squirrel</span><br /></td><td class="cbicon"><img id="cbicon_0_5" src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/cb/camera_dr1.png" style="visibility: hidden;" height="14" width="17" /></td><td class="sdist"><div id="sxdist" class="nw">0.0 mi</div></td></tr><tr><td style="vertical-align: top;"><br /></td><td style="vertical-align: top;"><br /></td><td style="vertical-align: top;"><br /></td><td style="vertical-align: top;"><br /></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_6"><td class="num">7.</td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_6"><b><wbr></b> <div class="dirsegnote note_CONTINUE">Carry back 1.5 <span style="font-weight: bold;">buffalo</span><br /></div></td><td class="cbicon"><img id="cbicon_0_6" src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/cb/camera_dr1.png" style="visibility: hidden;" height="14" width="17" /></td><td class="sdist"><div id="sxdist" class="nw">1.1 mi</div></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_7"><td class="num">8.</td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_7">Turn <b>right</b> at <span style="font-weight: bold;">brook</span><b></b></td><td class="cbicon"><img id="cbicon_0_7" src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/cb/camera_dr1.png" style="visibility: hidden;" height="14" width="17" /></td><td class="sdist"><div id="sxdist" class="nw">0.3 mi</div></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_8"><td class="num">9.</td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_8"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span></span><b></b>Stop at <span style="font-weight: bold;">river</span><br /></td><td class="cbicon"><img id="cbicon_0_8" src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/cb/camera_dr1.png" style="visibility: hidden;" height="14" width="17" /></td><td class="sdist"><div id="sxdist" class="nw">0.2 mi</div></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_9"><td class="num">10.</td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_9">Attempt to ford the <span style="font-weight: bold;">river</span></td><td class="cbicon"><img id="cbicon_0_9" src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/cb/camera_dr1.png" style="visibility: hidden;" height="14" width="17" /></td><td class="sdist"><div id="sxdist" class="nw">0.7 mi</div></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_10"><td class="num">11.</td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_10">Lose 2 oxen<b></b><br /></td><td class="cbicon"><img id="cbicon_0_10" src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/cb/camera_dr1.png" style="visibility: hidden;" height="14" width="17" /></td><td class="sdist"><div id="sxdist" class="nw">0.0 mi</div></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_11"><td class="num">12.</td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_11">Go <span style="font-weight: bold;">west</span>...<br /></td><td class="cbicon"><img id="cbicon_0_11" src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/cb/camera_dr1.png" style="visibility: hidden;" height="14" width="17" /></td><td class="sdist"><div id="sxdist" class="nw">1,800 mi</div></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_12"><td class="num">13.</td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_12"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Billy </span>has cholera<span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><b></b><br /></td><td class="cbicon"><img id="cbicon_0_12" src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/cb/camera_dr1.png" style="visibility: hidden;" height="14" width="17" /></td><td class="sdist"><div id="sxdist" class="nw">7.3 mi</div></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_13"><td class="num">14.</td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_13"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Billy </span>is <span style="font-weight: bold;">dead</span></td><td class="cbicon"><img id="cbicon_0_13" src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/cb/camera_dr1.png" style="visibility: hidden;" height="14" width="17" /></td><td class="sdist"><div id="sxdist" class="nw">0.0 mi</div></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_14"><td class="num">15.<br /></td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_14">Shoot and kill 55 <span style="font-weight: bold;">buffalo</span></td><td class="cbicon"><img id="cbicon_0_14" src="http://maps.google.com/intl/en_us/mapfiles/cb/camera_dr1.png" style="visibility: hidden;" height="14" width="17" /></td><td class="sdist"><div id="sxdist" class="nw">0.o mi<br /></div></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_15"><td class="num"><br /></td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_15"><br /></td><td class="cbicon"><br /></td><td class="sdist"><br /></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_16"><td class="num"><br /></td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_16"><br /></td><td class="cbicon"><br /></td><td class="sdist"><br /><br /></td></tr><tr class="dirsegment" id="step_0_17"><td class="num"><br /></td><td class="dirsegtext" id="dirsegtext_0_17"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table>(Special thanks to Josh for inspiring this)Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02231759795327185065noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5512838200874304981.post-59491191465174548752009-02-06T16:31:00.000-08:002009-02-06T17:03:20.388-08:00Ax-Trackin'I bought a guitar (a mid-sixties gibson b-25, for those who are hip to this sort of thing) last week! I'm rather enjoying it.<br />I also enjoyed tracking its shipment across the country on ups.com, though I was a bit unnerved by the thoroughness of this truly incredible service:<br /><br />Springfield, IA 01/25/09 8:00 AM: RECEIVED AT CENTRAL LOADING<br /><br />Springfield, IA 01/25/09 10:00 AM: IN TRANSIT<br /><br />Jefferson City, MO 1/25/09 6:30 PM: PACKAGE ACCIDENTALLY OPENED DUE TO TRUCK SWERVING TO MISS SMALL RABBIT-LIKE CREATURE<br /><br />Jefferson City, MO: 1/25/09 6:37 PM: PACKAGE RESEALED; NO HARM DONE<br /><br />Longford, KS 1/26/09 12:45 PM: PACKAGE REOPENED DUE TO BOREDOM<br /><br />Longford, KS 1/26/09 12:45 PM: "HILLBILLY THEME FROM DELIVERANCE" ATTEMPTED<br /><br />Longford, KS 1/26/09 12:47 PM: SECOND ATTEMPT: "THEME FROM DELIVERANCE"<br /><br />Lonford, KS 1/26/09 12:51 PM: FIRST ATTEMPT: "STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN"<br /><br />And it goes on like this!<br />Remarkable candor, I must say.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02231759795327185065noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5512838200874304981.post-22001332365049068622009-01-31T00:07:00.000-08:002009-01-31T00:10:49.137-08:00'Drome sweet 'dromeQuarrel, lewd dweller Rauq!Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02231759795327185065noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5512838200874304981.post-62642768134586283592009-01-30T17:09:00.001-08:002009-01-31T00:00:49.645-08:00StandardsI grow weary of eating the same meal for lunch rather quickly, and so lately I've been widening my search radius. The other day, I tried an Indian buffet on Shattuck, Viceroy. I'd passed it many times and for some reason never considered it a viable option.<br /><br />What caught my eye was the sign on the window:<br />WELCOME TO THE NEW VICEROY!<br />NEW MANAGEMENT!<br />NEW MENU!<br />NEW STANDARDS!<br /><br />It was this final pronouncement that I found startling. What were the old standards? Had that line not been included, I wouldn't have given it a second thought. New managment? Great. New menu? Lay it on me. New standards? Good lord! What grim, godless acts took place in the old Viceroy? While seating myself near the buffet, I imagined the following sign:<br /><br />WELCOME TO THE NEW VICEROY!<br />NOW IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE GENEVA CONVENTIONS!<br /><br />Or how about:<br /><br />WELCOME TO THE NEW VICEROY!<br />NEW MANAGEMENT!<br />NEW MENU!<br />NEW SLOP BUCKET!<br />NEW DEFINITION OF "CLEAN"!<br />NEW POSITIVE OUTLOOK + RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION!<br />NEW UNDERSTANDING OF CHILD LABOR LAWS!!!Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02231759795327185065noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5512838200874304981.post-77970140657372764152009-01-30T16:54:00.000-08:002009-01-31T00:05:23.661-08:00The hits (?) keep comingSo, this one takes a little explaining but it actually follows a certain logic.<br /><br />Imagine a semi-literate pedal steel guitarist auditioning for Daniel Lanois (famed producer and frequent user of the pedal steel). Might he not employ this palindromic phrase?<br /><br />Won Lanois' accolade. Pedal occasional now.<br /><br />I think he might.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02231759795327185065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5512838200874304981.post-22123424234737766082009-01-29T12:30:00.000-08:002009-01-31T00:02:10.174-08:00As promisedHere's a more coherent 'drome that came to me (mostly) in between snooze-alarm buzzes.<br /><br />This could actually be used, following a poor experience in a restaurant:<br /><br />Pleh. Y tip? Putrid dirt, uppity help.<br /><br />My best yet? Surely.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02231759795327185065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5512838200874304981.post-7494537437570343802009-01-27T16:13:00.000-08:002009-01-27T16:18:12.093-08:00Time to reveal my myriad talentsIs there a market for mediocre palindromes?<br /><br />Here's one:<br />Fool! As i tremor'd 'n I laphed, deh palindromer, 'tis aloof!<br /><br />Here's another--it's multilingual!:<br />Sur la walrus<br /><br />More on the way!Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02231759795327185065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5512838200874304981.post-16917165215201237412009-01-26T21:13:00.000-08:002009-01-26T22:14:09.894-08:00FirstiesSo, a month ago, I created a facebook account, and found the experience rather enjoyable. Now I'm writing a blog. I'm not exactly ahead of the curve here. Maybe next week I'll buy some sneakers with lights in the heels.<br /><br />For my first blog post, I would like to air a grievance (this may become a recurring feature). Several years ago I found myself in the habit of creating absurd theoretical franchises. One of my most successful was a proposed competitor to Linens 'N Things, Sheets 'N Shit.<br />Recently, I was pointed in the direction of <a href="http://www.theonion.com/content/news/new_linens_n_shit_opens">this article</a><br /><br />Now, I wouldn't have minded too much if The Onion had stumbled upon Sheets 'N Shit on their own--but they didn't. They came up with <span style="font-style: italic;">Linens</span> 'N Shit--much worse, in my opinion.<br />But the really frustrating thing is how easy it is to google any little pun or clever notion that pops into your head. Someone's already gotten there first. Even the ridiculous band name Rumpelforeskin (my brother Jake came up with this one) turned out to be a real band (now defunct)! Everything's been done, and it's much harder than it used to be to delude oneself into thinking otherwise.<br /><br />What a downer!Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02231759795327185065noreply@blogger.com1